2012 first post

so 2012 is here


People say set your new year resolution and work hard to achieve it.
I say don't set any new year resolution because it will never work, what you need to do is that enjoy the world and your life, of course do what you should do

If you should put more time in study, then do it
If you should spend more time on relax then do it
If you should not fight with your another half, then do it

I believe by doing what you should do and in the same time learn to enjoy yourself is that everyone should do.........

I accomplished very little in 2011
in fact, I felt like that's is nothing I had accomplished
except, I dislike this person more and more, stronger and stronger
what to do........
it cannot be resolve
this is who he is and when you tell me
he got full of crap to cover up himself
so no point

instead of let him bothering me
I will minimize my time spent with him, so let see how it will work


oh ya
about my bf and I
we are still the same
I don't even know if we will get any better
maybe we will, maybe we will not
anyway everything so far so good now.
I think I should start to treat him like how the ideal parent will treat their kid or sibling way
I am not very sure
but who know
just see what will happens

about my family
I think i will spend more time at home,
if the atmosphere is getting better

ok
that's it

bye my blog

without wax
chloe

Why argue for the same thing

so I thought about it

Why do we fight for the same thing
he said
we always fight for the below
Mr. y
Girl
breaking promises
and another one I forgot

what's the point argue for the same thing all the time
here is my answer
the first two
he made me insecure about it

For example Mr Y
looking back to the history of us
I think is kind of understandable that why we don't like each other
and how he handled the issue previously make me feel very very not insecure about it
like I am not important
of course
that's what I thought

well well
for Girl
is not purely about girl, partially about girl
but it more about hiding/ not knowing
is ok to have close female friend......
but is not ok that your own gf don't even know that you are close with that girl
and ya
that girl don't like your gf...........

well well
same issue as Mr Y

but he just don't get it isn't

the third one
who wouldn't feel angry about it
do let me know
of course I know there is someone in this world can do it
but not many isn't
and I am the many who can't do it


of course
when I talk about it
he will then say
what's the point saying it
oh ya
let me tell you
you are close with Mr Y.....fine
but i think you should consider maybe you should try to involve your gf in and don't lie/hide from her

you want to be close with Mr Y cousin
fine
but how come your guy are so close and yet your own gf has no idea at all
because?
you are hiding again
and ya
when the cousin just accused your gf
I don't see you do anything to show that your gf is important and is not ok to do that

ya ya........
I wonder when will you read it
and ya
we shall discuss this next week
and not fighting about it
because I said I wouldn't
so I wouldn't

Racism

I re-watch this movie called Schindler's List
It basically talk about how this businessman, Oskar Schindler saved 1100 of Jews from Nazi, WW II of course.
The reason why I watch this is movie is because of this book call the Freedom Writers- which is about how a White Lady rescue one class full of non-white students, is a true story anyway.

Firstly

I will not deny that even I complain, about how miserable or sucky is my life, My life generally is peaceful and secure compared to those who suffered in this two story.

Of course is not that our country has no problem of racism, in fact the issue of racism or I will rather say racial identity issue in my country, is getting more and more serious.

One of the things that happened lately which I feel so unbearable is
Najib said that " the Chinese community must choose to vote the MCA if they still wanted to represented in Putrajaya, or be left out."
when MCA president said that they will not join in the parliament if they could not get back the Chinese votes

The first thing pop out in my mind is
is he blackmailing us?
Ok I am being very negative on this

Second thought of mine
this is so racist!!!!!

what is it to do with racist
allow me to explain

Let just said
now a primary class is voting for class monitor
Candidate A get 2/3 of votes and Candidate B get 1/3 of votes
Candidate A win right
here comes the question
Can candidate choose only perform his or her duty as monitor to only 2/3 students who vote him or her?
does he or her has the duty to take care of the 1/3 voters
Of course, he or her get to choose what he or she want to do
but I think we all know what is the right thing to do

Secondly

ask yourself this questions
do you once or many times have the thought of
Chinese-very materialistic and greedy
Malay-Lazy
Indian-violence

I think many understands this concept than me
stereotype is the first step of racism

I know what people who has this kind thought will say
you can't blame me, this is the truth and everyone think this way?

is it?
think about it
how well do you know this race

Alright
I know what they will say
Of course I know them very well.....blah blah blah

Seriously
How many of your guy are willing to make an effort to know other races.
I mean, I haven't put any effort in it until I got into college

continue tomorrow
tired

without wax
chloe

Feeling like crap

...So I blog

I am now in a very weird position now
where one of my friend who supposed to be my good friend make me feel avoidance, I really don't know if I am the one being sensitive or it is really happening
anyway
I learned not to care so much......which i still do
shit.....

on the other hand
everyone keep posting stuff about going oversea or getting how many offer letters really make me depress man......
for me......too much ok
just apply for 2 or 3 but not all in the list ok.....you took other place where you are not even sure that you want to go
As I said I don't really want to go oversea....financial and physical really make me worry whether I can survive or not
but my parent is so exciting about it
haiz

and
my bf
fight in valentine day was.........weird
the reason I used weird is because.....too many mixed feeling and i really can't find the right word to describe
of course this time actually much better
We started to laugh and everything just fine after the laugh
last time
we will never laugh
so......improvement
but not enough.......
sometime when I look back to the love letter or even his blog and compared to the now him
I really wonder if I am dating the same person
how could a person who used to be so deeply in love with me could just.....screw me up
I don't know
I guess we all got some issues
it just that different timing I guess

You see
when same problem appeared and I can't even predict what we will do and say
I really don't know how much I can do......
it like
looking at the road that you can't see the end....
I keep wondering when this no ending road will end
of course I hope it end in good way
but when he could easily want to break up just make me......feel bad
I guess that's what he felt last time.

too many people give the same advice
the truth is I don't even know what am I doing or what am I hoping....miracle I guess

right now
I am emo........damn emo
more like I been emo for the past few one week

ok......I don't even know what I am writing now but.....who cares
this is my blog
and no one read it.....
so dear.....stop telling you don't know how to change, you will if you want to
so stop doing this to me because I love you and I still believe that you love.....

ok
off now.......

happy valentine day dear


without wax
chloe

rethink

好了

我觉得
我还是把事情想得太美好
事情可能只是海市蜃楼.........
我还是有一点傻吧

working on

ok.......

let update

I am working on

1 my radio play writing

2 what to do to my BF

3 thinking if i should participate in the magazine thingy....just want to do something before i leave

4 erm........more times for myself and friends i guess

I found this radio play writing competition at sentul west

it is a British competition so English is the native language

I never write any radio play writing before so I am still struggling on it

My BF

well

it is complicated......and I really don't what to do anyone

so

let just see what will happen shall we

the magazine.........

well it was joe idea......

it's pretty interesting but....i think i shouldn't anticipate anything yet before that two guys really set up everything......good way to make them push themselve

friend time and my time

should learn to spare it up.....

after all I am human who live in the society

oh ya

the most important thing

I bought the ticket for this event call MACC Internal Affairs CNY Edition

which showing time is this tuesday 9pm.....

so late

but i don't care la

if my mom say no

i will still go

if me and my BF really break up because he screw up again

i will still go

after all.......I want to do something to make myself happy

without wax

chloe

FINAL TASK

after a long discussion and compromise

I decided to give him a task

an unsay task

of course if he read this, he will realize it

I think is fair for me to ask for something from him

you know.....ok i assume you know

this is what i will see and observe for a period of time

if he will become more considerate,more sensitive toward me

I had been being initiative and aggressive for quite long time

what I hope

is he really show more concern, being more sensitive

you know

like checking my blog even i don't constantly upload

or something leaving some really sweet comment on my wall

leave comment on my status

write some notes for me

or even organize something for me

so let see

without wax

chloe

What's wrong

Wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep again

been feeling tired recently and it's so obvious that friends and family start to concern about it

I don't quite know what wrong.............maybe I do

but

it just feel helpless

i guess that's what we call self helplessness disorder

weird thing is

I did not go through anything that is tragic or dramatic for quite some times

so...........I don't quite fit the profile.......

so..............

what's wrong?

For the day to come

Once again

I really only here when I needed somewhere to write something

as time passed longer

I started to wonder what am I doing.

I getting more and more confused

the only thing holding me is.........don't know

even I myself couldn't figure out

there is complication in this incident

and no matter what decision I made I have to lose something and gain something

as Chinese always said

you have to let go what is in your hand in order to hold another thing

One good thing is that

through out this incident

I become more mature

I can almost control my temper to so perfect that no one could even realize

well

only almost..........but I am working on it

hopefully it will help in my future

I learn to be think wise

like really wise

knowing what to said and what not to said

most of the time

only most of the time

I learn to give and take a break

which

used to be so hard for me

because I always want like to settle thing immediately

I learn to take risk

making decision even knowing it could hurt you badly

The only thing I am learning now

is let go

Once I learn that

I can officially graduate...........

Congratulation to miss Chloe Yap Yan Qi

who completed all the lesson and here is the certificate

I can't wait for that day to come

I know it will be a very sad day

but

is a achievement of mine that finally grown up

and at that day

I will put the brightest smile on my face

saying thank you to everyone who help me through out the journey

for good and for the bad

I wait......................

for the day to come........

finally


I am back
I guess I know myself too well
I really only come back here when I am weak or sad or angry or...........anything negative


well
he gave up......or giving up
I am not sure

Me
is pulling him, without really consider about his feeling

sound so selfish

Erm.......
I am not gonna deny that I am selfish
I am selfish


I don't know what am I doing.......well I know what I want
I know what I am doing.......
but deep inside
I am not sure...........

I am not sure whether what I think is right

but I have faith
I decided to have faith
I want to have faith

8 months faith supporting me


wish me luck


thank for those who be with me and
thank for you that had given up


without wax

love you dear

chloe